His first Confrontation.

I was told to sleep.
After washing up,I knew I couldn't...yet.
I am finally awake and knew I had to finish my whole story.
Maybe it's a lil' too late but I had in mind to blog all these,but the incident happened a lil too quickly,unexpectedly.

I dunno if it's purely psychological or just my whole personality,the way I am,that is bad.

Sometimes....the more we(gals)demand attention,the more wayward we become.
I dun think I am the only one,yet there is still no justification that how I should behave that badly.

He brought me to watch the match b/w Singapore and Indonesia.

How should I say..okie..listen.This is purely my own stand.
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I am truely sorry that I am just not interested in soccer.
I am sorry that I just cant be as enthusiastic,passionate,keen as that gal sitting right infront of us.
I am sorry that I behave like an attitude icicle,perhaps the only icicle in the whole stadium.
I am sorry that I just dun cheer with the crowd.

Because I purely cant find myself being immersed in the joy,the same excitement that's in your pulse beating.

The best I can do is sit with you,watch the whole match and give that applaud(even it's light but sincere) at every goal and the trophy part.

If I cant cheer and cuss like all of you soccer fanatics,the best I can do is to keep my bloody mouth shut throughout the game.

If I cant be a sport and do that heart winning 'wave' cheer,the best I can do is smile and watch the wave goes round.

I know you wanted to watch.Even it's something I dun fancy watching,I could watch it with you,coz I know you wanted to watch with me.

I got up early in the morning to do my house chores.If I cant stay at home and be with my family,the best I can do is at least do finish the chores so that my mum could have some rest.

I tried to look my best and even told myself at the mirror that no matter how I will not throw any tantrums today.

But I am sorry I look like some rag,and really broke my "promise".

I walked to buy some pastas and wanted to make some decent pasta next time,at least one more time.

I walked to central hoping that the shop has the cheese tarts today.They dont sell it everytime,i suppose.
I know you like the tarts but I am sorry that I squashed them in my bag.
The usual klutz,I am.

I am sorry that I dismissed every of your ideas and choices.Maybe it's just me,the way I am.The way you allowed me to be right from the start.
Even though I dun disagree with you,but I did still.
I know it aint right,but I forgotten that you may not like.

Finally the match is over.I stood up,feeling numb.

I dunno if it is becoz that I hadn't had anything since lunch or it is just another psychological act of mine?

Maybe you think this is lame,stupid or you just dont believe it could happen.

But as we were leaving....Everyone...everyone was doing that loud cheer.

It was overwhelming,very deafening.
It was very packed and crowded as well.
Almost everyone was wearing red and singing out loud.

The cheer became my noise.It goes all the way through my ears to my head.

Suddenly I was scared.I wanted to scream and squat down.I felt faint.
As if the cheers became some chantings and it goes round and round.

I dun need a mirror or another pair of eyes to look at me.
I know every single drip of blood had flow off my face.
My hands were cold and slightly trembling.

I was tearing my hair and clutching hard.
I covered my ears for a while but still the cheer is strong.

I dun want anyone else to touch me.I dunno where I was heading.

Maybe I can still conscious then.Maybe all these are my excuses.
But THEN i knew nothing.

But I was surprised that you didnt see a thing.
You didnt feel that I am scared.

You knew I was behaving weird and thought I was just giving my piece of attitude.

Till we reached the bus stop,you pulled me behind...

How long have we been together?
1 year,6 mths plus.

But i think this is your first confrontation.

"What's wrong with you!" You repeated a few times.

Two days you been out with me,I have been giving the same attitude.

The previous one/two times,i admit..it was my fault.
Even this time...It still is.
So I kept my silence and take all your scoldings.

But it was something you cont'd to say that I cant take.
Though it's purely understandable...but I dun like it.

You told me,you could have watch it with your friends.
But you didnt coz you wanna watch it with me.

Coz I understand.Who would wanna watch with an anti climax fella who cant give a fuck about soccer.Who cant understand the passion.
Who thinks soccer is really just another uncilvilised sport.

At that point of time,I wanted to scream back.
I wanted to shout..

"your sacrifies?Of a precious ticket?Of some precious soccer time?
you could have really ask your friend.yea,your mistake of bringing me along.
and i am sorry that i am such a fucker!"

I didnt said all these.I know I cant managed to scream all these when I feel like crying already.

I hold myself back,take a good firm look at you...told you I was scared but you dont have to spend time with me..and I pushed you off.

I held all my tears and walked off.

I dunno how far I have walked.Could have been 10km and more?
I just keep walking till I know you were behind my steps all the time.

Frankly speaking I dunno where I was heading all the time.
When I reached Geylang,I was so lost.

I chanced upon the other route of Geylang and cont walking.

And somehow we reached Paya Lebar.
I was so relieved that I finally reach a stop where I know the way back.

But as I was crossing the road lawlessly,I wished you wouldnt follow.
I know it was very dangerous.
At one point,I turn and saw the cars were driving right on and you were still crossing.
I knew that you will make to the other end safely but I was still praying inside.

I alighted at that bus stop on purpose.
I know our legs must be shouting for mercy yet I started another long walk all the way to my home.

I wouldnt expect you to follow me already.

The kinda distance that I walked is insane!
I had blisters on my soles.My thighs,though not painful but the circulation of blood/oxygen was block.( I feel)

When I reached L2...I remove my sandals.
I thought you werent there anymore.

I let go of my bitter tears.

Finally you came..and hug me.
And the rest is history.

But if you have noticed....I didnt tear half as much.
Maybe I have tear too much previously.

But I was equally sad.

Sad that I have to choose to do these and gave you all the craps and bad memories.
Sad that you actually followed me all the way,ignoring the perils of the roads with me.
Sad that you didnt scold me anymore,my wilfulness and all.

Sometimes I thought that happiness is just a figment of our imagination and sorrow is so real.

But I didnt wanna keep feeling this way.

If my legs are sore,yours must be too.
If my heart is broken,yours must be already into tiny dust.

I am so sorry.